Breastfeeding Bullies
Last week, I went back to work, with something of a heavy heart. It’s true my hours are flexible. I’m a journalist and I’m not expected to be in the office all day, every day. But still, it’s time away from my baby girl, who’s a little over four months old, and that’s just hard. In addition, I started teaching an eight-week creative writing workshop.
When I mentioned my plans to an older colleague, she reacted with shock.
“But how can you – your baby’s only, what?”
“Four months old.”
“And so you’re planning to stop breastfeeding?
“No, no, of course not,” I replied. “I have my own office, so I can close the door and pump.”
“Oh, but I just don’t see how you can really continue, and it’s so important to establish breastfeeding now,” she lectured, oblivious to the fact that it had already been well-established in the week following my daughter’s birth in February. And then she continued to offer the following from her own Joan of Arc school of mothering. “When I breastfed that’s all I did. I was just 100 percent there for the baby for at least the first year, and even beyond. I didn’t even read a book while breastfeeding - I could never understand how women can do that.”
Paperbacks usually make for good reading during breastfeeding, because holding a heavy hardcover isn’t comfortable – I fear I might drift off and drop the book on baby. If I didn’t read and feed, I’m not sure when I’d get time to read a book at all. Baby doesn’t seem to mind.
Well, some of us can. And I’m not sure if by wondering how women “can do that” you’re wondering if it’s really possible to lactate and cogitate at the same time, or if you’re suggesting that, well, shame on me for engaging my intellectual capacities while my body is busy doing what it was put on this earth to do – make and feed babies.
If I had the guts, I’d have told her she was being a breastfeeding bully. Given that she’s not a good friend, it was none of her business to ask what my breastfeeding plans were and whether my daughter would continue to be EBF – or exclusively breastfed, initials that dot the mommy blogosphere. As if that weren’t enough, this woman went on to suggest that I really should take the rest of the year off to be at home with my baby.
I suppose what got me so angry was not just this woman’s patronizing tone, but the assumption that every mother who wants to can afford to stay home for an indefinite amount of time. I point out that she is of a different generation only because I find myself theorizing that 30 years ago, women wanted to work but most still weren’t expected to; it was assumed that they could take several years off for childrearing and be dependent on their husbands’ income. Today’s economy is different. When they invented the terms DINKS (dual income no kids), they never told us that once you have those kids, you’ll still need the dual incomes in order to survive – and probably even more so. Though there is an image that women who have kids later are more financially secure, the reality is that even “successful” people like me cannot afford to hop off the career track indefinitely, or even for a full year.
The truth is that I needed to write this piece not only to rail against this particular guilt-peddler – who may have been oblivious to the inappropriate nature of her “advice” – but to admit to something. I too have been a breastfeeding bully. It was, I swear, unintentional. Last year, I gave someone a “my breast friend” nursing pillow as a gift after she gave birth, assuming she’d love it. But breastfeeding wound up bringing her nothing but frustration and a hungry baby who wasn’t getting enough milk; she quickly moved to formula and has had to endure a ridiculous number of nosy questions. Before I realized that I, too, might find myself a victim of the breastfeeding bullies, I often took tabs on women around me who were not breastfeeding. I admit to having harbored a sense of superiority over random women – in my baby music class, at the playground, on the airplane – who were younger than I but shaking up a bottle of formula instead of reaching into their shirts.
Most recently, I accidentally started to unload some advice on a friend about to give birth; she said that because she’d had a breast reduction, she didn’t expect to be able to breastfeed. I offered that I have a friend who had reduction surgery and still succeeded in breastfeeding and has a great book on the subject…and there I was again, being the bully – or perhaps proselytizer – I never intended to be.
We have Dr. William Sears, now of Time magazine fame, to thank and to blame for the revival of breastfeeding, baby-wearing and co-sleeping – all part of attachment parenting. I’m part of the trend because I do all of these – in moderation. (What’s moderate? A friend who would have me wear the baby all day long and who would ban the bouncy chair from my living room is not moderate.) I have one foot in and one foot out – trying to maintain my career while making time for my children. With a little help from family and friends, it seems to be working so far. That is, as long as I banish the bullies who would have me borrow money if necessary – as Sears suggests – over returning to work.
Would I like to stay home with my baby longer, and spend all day every day feeding her, playing with her, watching her grow? Yes, a part of me would. And part of me will always need more than that, and cannot nullify the woman I was before I had two babies.
I’m not sure what I would do if my role as a family wage-earner weren’t pivotal. I’m grateful that I have two sweet children and a supportive husband – and that my opportunities and options have grown, thanks to the battles waged by the men and women who came before me. I’ll find a way to be the best mother I can be and still have a role to play as a writer, journalist and teacher. So am I still nursing full-time? Why yes, in fact I am. But before you ask me or any other new mother, consider how loaded the question is, and try to stop yourself before you become a breastfeeding bully.
I think it’s great and amazing that you are returning to work, Ilene. I wish I had been able to after my second and third, but the guilt mongers got to me and I became a stay-at-home mom, a condition that often leads to depression. Hurray for your search for the right balance for you!
Thanks, Judy! I apreciate hearing that. Still struggling to strike the right balance, and always happy to hear how other people manage/managed it!
Again, an insightful and truthful commentary. I too will be going back to work soon and struggle to balance pumping with a busy schedule, but feel strongly that it’s best for our family for right now. I appreciate so much that I have a supportive husband and work environment where I can balance family and my job. Some women don’t get to take a 15 minute break every 2-3 hours…..
Exactly…you need a lot of support to make it happen. It’s not easy, and not every workplace supports it. I had hoped to bring my baby to the office part of the time, but the boss forbade it.
I watched the entire first season of Downton Abbey while nursing. Also three seasons of Dexter. Hallelujah for iPads
I don’t have an iPad yet, but I admit to checking e-mail on my iPhone occasionally while I feed, but I must admit, I feel guilty when I do it!
Great blog post! It took me 8 weeks of frustration, pumping bottles, and a lot of crying, before breastfeeding was established with my eldest. It was hell, but she was allergic to dairy and I had no choice. With my second one, it was much easier. I sometimes think I also slide into the breastfeeding bullying role, but it’s unintentional. This blog post was great in that I will definitely rethink what I say to expectant Mothers, unless specifically asked my opinion. It’s important to be sensitive, since breastfeeding is not the answer for everyone.
Thanks for sharing that – I learned a bit more just from hearing from you, and I could relate to every word. I’ll look for your blog!
She didn’t even read a book while breastfeeding? What a bummer for her! I slept, ate, read newspapers and books, checked my emails, wrote articles, you name it, with baby attached. My kids used to nurse frequently and I don’t think they noticed what I was doing, as long as the milk was flowing. And of course there was always, separate from that, time for exclusive mommy-baby snuggling and bonding. Each woman has to figure out how to continue her own life in whatever way makes both mom and baby happy and healthy. With my first, I started working at 3 or 4 months, but did so from home, so I was lucky that I could do that, and then I just worked crazy hours, when baby was sleeping or busy, at night and the daytime naps. I later took naps with him. With the second, he went to daycare earlier, and I breast-fed him before day care, after day care, and before bed. I was so scared about it, but he ended up liking being with the other kids and at daycare, don’t forget, if that is the option you choose, there is always someone to hug and hold and watch the little one, especially when they are that small. Lastly, I just want to add, and maybe I have told you this already, that with my first, I called my mom at some point crying that I was missing some grownup activities and she said (with a heavy brooklyn accent) “honey, why do you think we invented feminism?” She is now 86 and so I think it is safe to say that even moms in different generations also liked to do grown-up things sometimes, too
Good luck, it sounds like you are doing great (and if you need advice from an editor/mom who worked in an office f/t and was pumping, I can hook you up).
Lauren, thank you thank you…this comment made my day.
Well said, so much of what you wrote I have grappled with too, though on the other side of the coin. With no work permit, a workaholic husband and no family here, I am unable to work and have been at home with our babies instead. The motherhood bullying goes both ways, I have been judged by men and women, both mothers and women who never had children, for being a stay at home mom… Comments like you must be bored all day (this mostly from the childless set), how can you leave your career etc., isn’t he in preschool yet and so on. So damned if you do, damned if you don’t! And to be honest, for me, the ideal would be to work at least a little, part time with flexible hours….. I think I would be a better mother for it, because as you said, I also need my own head space and fulfillment too!
About breastfeeding, again it’s damned if you do, damned if you don’t when it comes to talking about it! I think to construe the breast friend pillow and your references to a book about feeding post breast reduction as breastfeeding bullying is a mistake. You did not intend any harm or intimidation in either case…. Rather you were offering advice/ your support of breastfeeding. Another friend may have loved the pillow, or it could have even been the thing that made breastfeeding work for someone…. You never know. I feel that breastfeeding has become such a hot topic that it’s now impossible to say/ask anything about it! If you come out pro breastfeeding, you are a breastfeeding bully…. If you ask someone about formula they are feeding their baby, they automatically feel like you are passing judgement. Though I don’t know that it’s the best way, my stance has become to say nothing unless asked…. In fact my stance on most parenting stuff now is to keep quiet unless my involvement is sought out… I fundamentally believe mothers and children are all different and what works for one set will not work for others, and there is no right or wrong answer to most situations, rather a spectrum of possible approaches. For this reason, I do agree with you that your colleague’s comments were unwarranted and it’s a shame if she felt so strongly about breastfeeding that she not offer you encouragement/suppport for trying to do it despite the necessity to work and earn a living for the family.
Know that you have my admiration and support for working, breastfeeding and taking a stance for what is right for you and your family!
Tereza, I just now got to reading your comment in full, when I had the time to do so…and the babes are in bed. Thanks for these thoughts. I agree! And it probably was an exaggeration to say that a nursing pillow as as gift is “bullying.” It’s not. But it was probably just one of many things that made this friend feel bad…and of course I hadn’t intended that. You put it perfectly – damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Personally, I think there is nothing wrong with encouraging (but not bullying) women to breast-feed, especially if they are first-time Moms and don’t have good role models to support them. I’ve talked to pregnant moms who are simply scared of the whole idea and have been told things such as “it’s really uncomfortable, but you get used to it after a while.” If the latch is correct, breast-feeding should not be uncomfortable. I also had a friend who told me that breast-feeding was like having “a piranha attached to my chest,” and the image really stuck with me.
I don’t know if I would have been able to breast-feed my preemie twins if I hadn’t had enormous encouragement from my husband and from the wonderful nurses in the NICU, where the babies spent their first eight weeks. I was really grateful for that encouragement – so there’s something to be said for it.